There are days, not often yet still often enough to plague my mind, that I wonder what a rehoming ad for my little dog would look like;
She’s an awful dog, there’s nobody in the world who would want her, and the chances of me ever having to rehome her is unthinkable;
But still, it’s something I’ve thought over so many times before I could craft a listing out of the thin air,
However;
She’s terrible, so utterly dreadful; She consists of 75% beagle (stubborn, noisy, nosy, messy) 12.5% dachshund (howling, burrowing, sniffling, sausage dog) 12.5% chihuahua (mean, yippy, vibrating, anxiety riddled), she has inherited the most aggravating, annoying traits of these breeds, for instance;
A List of Terrible Things This Dog Will Do:
1. Knock over trash cans
2. Dig and scavenge from trash cans
3. Refuse to pee outside if the grass is too wet/long
4. Refuse to poop outside for literally any reason
5. Bark at neighbors
6. Bark at strangers
7. Howl at any form of personal transportation (bicycle, skateboard, stroller etc.)
8. Refuse to eat food if she thinks she can swindle you out of scraps
9. Bark at shadows
10. Bark at our cats
11. Whine when you don’t pet her enough
12. Knock things out of your hand when you don’t pet her enough
13. Jump straight onto your genitals with no regard of any future procreation
14. Exists so filled with existential dread and anxiety I honestly wonder how she’s survived this long
This dog fears any and everything, taking her into public is a nightmare, taking her to the vet is an unobtainable goal; anywhere she walks becomes personal hellscape;
But,
I love that little dog with all of my heart, seeing that soulful look in her chocolate brown eyes melts my heart like a Hershey bar in hundred-degree heat;
Her tail wags with such ferocity, she tolerates the cats reaching out, pawing at the black tipped appendage, and she is lazy and so so sweet;
She snuggles up next to my thigh and plops her bicycle seat head on my lap and my soul transcends in her admiring gaze;
There’s a reason everyone in the world wants to pet on her, love on her, shower her with affection; little dog rewards attention by just existing.
Alex Lopez is a 24 year old bisexual, genderqueer English student trapped in central Texas.